Marlena Davis
It has been a little while since I have last shared my story, my journey has evolved so much, in fact I think the most trying and most amazing parts of my journey has happened since then, but it has also been the most busy thus why I haven’t had the time to share. But as this pandemic has been teaching me, I have to take time for me and sharing my story is an important part of who I am on this journey of life.
I think most people see journeys as the path that gets us to where we want to be (a destination) and the “gift” that is waiting there, kind of like waiting for your birthday party. As an adult I got into the thinking patterns that I will be happy when; I will be happy when I lose 50 pounds, I will be happy when I have a boyfriend, I will be happy when I get the latest smartphone. But inevitably you gain the weight back, the boyfriend leaves, the smartphone isn’t the newest model anymore and the thing you tied your happiness to is gone or even when you get those things your mood doesn’t shift. Living with depression, anxiety, and PTSD sometimes my thought patterns go a different way; maybe I won’t worry so much when I make more money, maybe I won’t think about suicide after a friend died by suicide, maybe I won’t be depressed when I become a mother. Of course those things didn’t happen that way. The birth of my son did come with postpartum depression but he also taught me to change my point of view. Depression and PTSD have you living in the past and anxiety has you living far in the future, but infants and toddlers live in the present and being with my son has helped me see the world through his eyes. My son taught me to stop along my journey to jump in a puddle or blow bubbles. He taught me to enjoy the view instead of always looking through binoculars or in the rear view mirror.
The journey during this pandemic has been especially rough and I have been anxious and afraid. When I feel anxious and afraid, I also feel weak, like I am not strong or brave. But you cannot be brave without fear. Even just getting out of bed during the pandemic part of the journey is brave, it’s the strength it takes to face another day. As I watch my son’s journey, I see that life is about those baby steps, small yet powerful, all journeys are composed of a series of small steps put together. Each day is the decision to take just one more small step.